Frustration

Over the last couple of months I've been dealing with a lot of frustrations. I'm just tired of everything, I mean just everything. I feel like I need a break and maybe a new place. I think in not dealing with issues they've become bigger and my anger has grown along with it. People asking me how everything is going and I always say fine, but it's not fine. I just don't know what to do to fix it. I'm tired of having bad weeks, I'm tired of feeling frustrated, I'm tired of feeling angry. Honestly I just don't know what to do to change it. I'm so angry and frustrated I could scream!!!!

Frustration

Lately there seems to be a lot going on. A few months ago I felt really convicted about some of the conversations I was taking part in. I decided that I didn't need to talk like that. Gossip is harmful and I really should have always known better. It affected my life a lot growing up, and still affects things today. Now things are at another level. In distancing myself from all of that has now made me the target. The thing is that I KNOW what's going on and I feel like I can't say anything. I've always believed that I'm on my own. I need to take care of myself, I need to defend myself, and I need to keep people at a distance. It's me on this island and everyone else is across the ocean. I'm so big on keeping my opinions to myself and my life to myself. I believe if I share something with one person, it doesn't mean it's free game for everyone else to know about or to discuss. Now I'm having the issue that I just don't know how to respond. I'm so frustrated, and quite honestly extremely angry. I don't want this anger to take over, but I feel like it's starting to. How do you stop it?? I know that the Lord is trying to teach me to trust Him, and let him fight my battles for me but it's so hard!!! Trust is hard for me, I have a hard time with it. I struggle with letting people in and I'm afraid that all of this is going to make me let less people in. I need some serious prayer. I don't want bitterness to take over. Lord help me!

7 weeks

My baby girl is 7 weeks old. I can't believe how fast time has gone by. On Christmas eve she will be 2 months old. It's amazing to see how in a short time so many things change. She's smiling now, and following sounds with her eyes. It's great to watch her hear her dad's voice and want to follow it. She has totally changed our world in such a good way. She's the biggest blessing! I can't wait to watch her grow up. I just hope it doesn't all fly by like this.

My Baby Girl

So it finally happened, my daughter is here! Being a mom is well different. There are so many emotions that come with that word MOM. It's crazy, scary, and exciting that it's a reality. I'm so amazed at how perfect she is. God is so good!!! I can't believe that He's entrusting this little person to me and Joe. Our job now is to raise her the best we can. I think about the future, but for now I'm trying to relish how small she is and how amazing the moment she came into the world was.

Rant

This is one of those mornings I need to remember that God is in control. He told me not to worry about where food or money will come from, He said I had favor yet I'm fretting over and over. Lord help me have FAITH!!!!

False Alarm

Had a false alarm on Sunday. I was really hoping it was the real thing. Hopefully I will go into labor in the next 3 weeks!!!

Sad Day

Today has been a sad day. Sad because we went to our friends baby's funeral. Lillyana was born Friday, August 22. She was born with a condition called Trisomy 13. Babies that are born with this condition usually don't make it past the first 48 hours, and if they do most of them don't make it to their first birthday. Her parents and our friends Joe and Becca have had hope from the moment they found out. Hope that God would do a miracle in Lillyana's life. Becca, and I, along with another friend of ours became pregnant within weeks of each other, and have compared aches, pains, sickness, and all the other crazy things that happen to your body when you are pregnant. I remember when they found out about her condition, and all the sadness that came along with it. Due to the fact that Becca developed high blood pressure Lillyana was born in August instead of October. I can tell you that from the beginning she beat the odds. She was so much healthier than doctors expected her to be. They had said she would only live 2 hours after birth, but they were so wrong! Tests were run and it turned out that her brain, lungs, and kidneys were in full working order. She did have a heart condition, but it was minor. Since she was 6 weeks early she was in NICU and on a respirator. I remember going into the NICU the day after she was born to see her. Her eyes were covered because she was jaundiced and they had a light on her. My initial thought was that she looked big, she didn't look like a frail premie. She looked big for 4 pounds even though she was small. I remember Joe her dad was there with me, and while we were in there she started crying. I will never forget the picture of Joe taking her hand, her grabbing on to his finger, and him telling her "Don't cry baby, daddy is here." At that moment I had to walk away. The next day around noon she passed away. Today Pastor David reminded us that she is in a better place, that she is looking at her parents saying I'm well. I try to put myself in their shoes, and wonder if I would have been as strong as they've been. The thought of losing this child that I've carried in my belly, felt move, and have really bonded with makes just break down in tears. I can't imagine going through it knowing that my baby wasn't going to make it. I pray that in the time that now comes that we (my husband and I) can be there for them, just like the rest of our friends. We've rallied around them and shown them we are here for them. I pray that they not lose their faith, but that this makes them stronger. Even though Lillyana's life was short, she made a big impression, and she touched many people's lives. I hope that we never forget the value of life and how precious it truly is.